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My sister-in-law “Cheryl” lacks social graces. She repeats herself and gets upset if she’s told this (we’re all in our 70s). She mutters “I want to say something” when other people are talking and always has to mention past experiences or one-up you if she can. Last time I saw her she whispered to her partner while I was trying to talk to him, and later came into the room I was in, said, “Oh there you are,” and argued with me over whether I’d been there for a while or not. She won’t listen or take constructive criticism. Must I grin and bear it? If we saw each other more often, I’d have to do something, because I don’t think one should have to put up with rudeness.
Anonymous / Boston
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What a remarkable final clause! Just think of getting to your 70s and thinking rudeness should never be put up with. Sometimes, indeed, it must in this imperfect world. And sometimes — like now — what’s perceived as rudeness isn’t.
Yes, Cheryl sounds weird and awkward . . . but so what? Her behavior isn’t overtly hostile or boundary-stomping. Cheryl isn’t deliberately stepping on your toes, she simply loses track of her steps in the social dance from time to time. It sounds like she’s doing her best and is probably dealing with a lot of anxiety. (As your friend group gets older, difficulties with hearing, memory, etc., make social misfires more likely — and you won’t be immune to the phenomenon yourself, you know.) Being argued with, “constructively criticized,” and silently judged generally don’t improve people’s social skills.
What’s stopping you from handling Cheryl’s eccentricities as kindly and unemotionally as you would (presumably) handle any other obstacle to frictionless communication, such as a language barrier, or a speech or hearing impediment? No, really — that’s not a rhetorical question. Why is it so difficult for you to be patient with her and ride smoothly over the occasional bump in the road? You feel picked on by Cheryl and you want to lash out. But she’s not picking on you. So where did that feeling come from?
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Do a little work on that, because I genuinely don’t want you to feel sad and powerless and Charlie Brownian in the face of a Lucy-Cheryl. I want you to figure out what’s stopping you from feeling like you’re in an empowered position, able to extend kindness and generosity to someone who struggles more than you do. To let a clumsy dancer step on your toes now and then, and continue to lead the dance gracefully.
Readers, here’s a tip for summer (or year-round) entertaining: When throwing a dinner party or cookout, try to have an empty seat or two at the table. That way, people can move around more easily for conversations. This is an especially good idea at an event in someone’s honor — birthday, graduation, etc. — so that the honoree can get a chance to talk to everyone there more easily.
Miss Conduct is Robin Abrahams, a writer with a PhD in psychology.