I give these people my all

Q. To be quite frank, I’m absolutely unsatisfied with my love life. I feel like I’ve been searching for “the one” and can’t seem to find him. It’s been three years of dating with a handful of men from dating apps, however none of them ever seem ready to commit, want a serious relationship, or even want to show up for me the way I show up for them and their loved ones. I’m stuck, and each ending hurts more every time. I stick around because I have hope and faith that it will get better — but then doesn’t. I’ve worked hard to get to where I am and I give my all to the person I am with. I don’t know if I’m the problem.

GIRL STUCK ONLY IN SITUATIONSHIPS

A. Finding the right partner can take a very long time. Your question seems to be about how much to give to people before you know they want to reciprocate.

It’s best to save big acts of care and support for someone who earns it. It’s nice that you want to show up for someone and their community, but if that’s not something they’re offering you, you might as well use that energy elsewhere.

Also, there is no obligation to stick around to see if a not-so-rewarding experience is going to get better. Sure, it can take months to get to know someone, but if they’re not meeting you at every next step, you can let go without wondering what might have been. You shouldn’t be doing the work for two.

If you let go of these “situationships” earlier, you might be less exhausted when you move on to the next experience. These connections should feel casual until there’s reason to believe otherwise.

Give “your all” to yourself and the people who are constants in your life. Don’t let a romantic partner become the center of anything until you know they’ll put you there too.

MEREDITH

READERS RESPOND:

It’s nice to show up for people, but don’t do it with the sole intention of landing a partner and then holding it against them later. Being nice to people doesn’t mean that person owes you a lifetime commitment.

SETTINGTHEWORLDONFIRE

The time to “show up for them and their loved ones” is not at the outset of any relationship. I think you’re going from 0 to 60 too fast. Try to relax and let a budding relationship progress organically.

HIKERGALNH128

You seem to be ready to commit and confer “the one” status on anyone who sticks around for a certain number of dates. A relationship is not a project. Pay more attention to love, passion, and fun.

RANDOMKINDNESS

You’ve been searching for “the one” for three years. Welcome to your 20s where it’s not all fairy-tale, rom-com land. Don’t waste your 20s searching for the fictitious “one.” Go on dates and have fun. If you open each first date with “Do you hope for a late May wedding or early June?” you’ll be searching for a very long time.

CUPPAJOESEATTLE

Take a hiatus from dating and the apps. You sound burned out. I think it’s partly the system, in that the apps can foster a mentality where many people (especially guys) constantly swipe on new to see if there’s someone “better.” When they find a shiny, new person, endings with present boyfriend or girlfriend can be abrupt. ... Try meeting men in real life as well, in the classic ways such as through your alumni association, your field of work, interest groups/the gym/coffee shop, or introductions through people you know.

JIVEDIVA

Dating apps have made relationships more dispensable. [People] can literally swipe on dozens of people a day and have a buffet lined up. It has destroyed the social dynamics of relationships. There is always someone out there who is just a swipe away you think might be a better option.

GOSPELOFGMAN

If a guy doesn’t show up the way you want, ask him to show up differently next time. If he does it again, then cut him loose. This is how you show up for yourself.

HELLOWORLD13

Send your own relationship and dating questions to loveletters@globe.com or fill out this form. Catch new episodes of Meredith Goldstein’s “Love Letters” podcast at loveletters.show or wherever you listen to podcasts. Column and comments are edited and reprinted from boston.com/loveletters.