Love Letters
Q. Six-months after meeting this amazing woman at an event, I asked her to marry me. A year later, she broke off the engagement. That was a few years ago.
We met when I was in my mid-50s and she was about 40. I felt she was perfect because she didn’t have any kids and had not been married previously. Us single guys like to call that no baggage. She did want to have a child together and I wasn’t opposed to it, but, deep down, I really didn’t want one since I already had a child who was over 20. However, in order to make it work, I wanted to make her happy. She was financially independent. She was attractive. Not clingy!
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Since then, I’ve dated three women; none came close to the high bar set by her. Currently, I’m not dating. Women I’ve met/dated after her all have baggage that includes kids, grandchildren, multiple exes, etc. Most seem more interested in my financial situation.
She set the bar high, and the others I’ve dated don’t compare. Do I lower my standards or live the rest of my life alone?
– No Comparison
A. This woman was not perfect for you because she walked away. Even if she hadn’t, she wanted a kid. You weren’t excited about that.
Let me point out that you said nothing about loving her, enjoying your time with her, what made her personality unique, etc. Maybe all of the good stuff is implied, but your focus — in this letter, at least — is on her ability to slide into your life without bringing any responsibilities.
You liked that she was independent (that makes sense), but this intense focus on her not being divorced or having kids is something to consider. It’s OK if you don’t want to be an active step-parent, but a lot of people over 40 have been married, at the very least. They’ve had experiences — just like you!
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Do these new people have baggage — or history? There are probably a bunch of interesting people out there with grown kids. I hope you don’t write them all off. Also, I don’t know why grandchildren would be a deal breaker?
Get to know new people, and if you like spending time with them, find out more about what makes their lives full and happy. These are all different humans with nuanced lives. Don’t make assumptions about them.
It can take time to find a good partner. Be patient, ask questions, and listen.
– Meredith
READERS RESPOND
You have a (nearly) adult child. You have an ex. You also have stratospheric standards beyond the only one you’ve mentioned. YOU have baggage. HARRISBSTONE
I think you should be more open and less narrow. The other option is to date someone considerably younger. HELLOWORLD13
You were willing to have a child to keep your “unicorn” happy, but it wasn’t enough because she ran away. It’s not lowering your standards — it’s called being realistic. ANNEGWISH
Let me rephrase this for you buddy: “Women I’ve met/dated after her all have LIVES.” You come across poorly in this letter. I bet the women who haven’t met your high bar don’t consider their children and grandchildren baggage. HIKERGALNH128
So, you found a woman with “no baggage” but you were willing to agree to give her some baggage (at 40, no less) that you don’t really want? Baggage that is truly baggage for several years, as opposed to a late-teen to early-20s adult child? THE REALALMIGHTY-ZEESUS
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