My girlfriend does nothing to help

Q. I have been living with my girlfriend for five years. She doesn’t do anything to contribute to the household. She doesn’t cook, clean, do laundry, contribute financially, or anything else — yet she complains that I do not show her any affection.

The truth is I do not want to be involved any longer, but she cannot survive on her own financially. I only stay out of a sense of obligation and the fact that I would undoubtedly feel guilty when I leave and she is unable to make it. I am now facing serious health issues that have made me reevaluate my situation. I don’t want the end of my life to be like this. I feel stuck and it’s my own fault. What should I do?

UNHAPPY ON THE NORTH SHORE

A. It’s OK to leave.

I assume you’ve talked to your girlfriend about your concerns over the years. My guess is that you’ve discussed what’s missing at home (from your perspective), and that you’ve asked for more help.

It shouldn’t be a shock for her to hear you’re unhappy. She’s having trouble too. You can’t show her more affection because it’s time to break up.

Make it clear that you no longer want to be a couple. Honestly, it doesn’t sound like this woman has been your girlfriend, in your mind, for a long time. She is a housemate, and that arrangement is no longer working.

If you have the means, help her get started with a more independent living situation. Give her a boost to make it possible. You say she can’t make it on her own, but is there anyone else in her life? Family? A friend who could be a roommate? She could also find a stranger to share her space. This is why people have roommates — to make a living situation affordable.

Tell her how you feel, come up with some moving dates, and make it happen. Use your energy to focus on improving your life. Call on any supportive people in your community to help make this easier.

MEREDITH

READERS RESPOND:

You deserve happiness, especially with what you are facing medically. I would set a firm deadline for move outs and such … perhaps two months. I know you’re concerned about your soon to be ex, but you have to put the oxygen mask on first before you can even think about helping anyone else. I wish you the very best.

MHOUSTON1

It’s unfair of Meredith to suggest that you should try to help your GF even more. She is a grown woman and will figure it out; let her know that she has to leave. The gravy train is leaving town.

LIFEINPROGRESS

You can’t stay in a relationship out of obligation. It is not good for either of you.

BKLYNMOM

You have the right to live out your life exactly as you wish. You owe nothing to someone who does nothing to contribute to your happiness and well-being. It’s not like she doesn’t know she’s lazy and living off you. Bite the bullet and be done with this albatross.

SEENITTOO

Are you on a lease or mortgage together? You may need some legal advice, if that’s the case. If you are not on a lease/mortgage, then you should take these steps (I assume you are the one leaving). 1. Find a place to live and arrange a move date. 2. Have a direct conversation with her (I’m moving out on MM/DD/YY, and I want us to go our separate ways). 3. Get your stuff out and move on that day or sooner. 4. Pay anything you owe, up to that date (rent, utilities, etc.) directly to landlord, utility company (not cash to her). If there are bills in your name, get your name off (Netflix, cable, utilities, etc.) 5. Leave with a clear conscience.

FREEADVICEFORYOU

It feels like consulting a lawyer wouldn’t be the worst thing to do because I agree that this could turn adversarial.

STRIPEYCAT

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