Love Letters
Q. I’m a woman, recently turned 50, and might be having a midlife crisis. I’m currently questioning everything about my life, including my marriage. We are a heterosexual couple, husband is a few years older. I look at my husband/marriage and think, Meh. My thoughts wander to: Could there be something better?
The marriage is generally fine: no major issues, we love each other, have been together for decades, have shared a lifetime of positive memories, etc. Private times are good. No one has caught my attention, not feeling as if I have to sow whatever crusty oats I have left. I seek advice from those who have gone through the same thing. Please don’t say “seek therapy,” “take some uppers,” or “spice up date nights.” Yes, I have spoken to the hubs about this. His response? Part of getting older. If this is part of getting older, I decline the experience.
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– Young Enough to Make Changes
A. It would help to know what you want from him. Specifically.
More sex? Cool vacations? Laughter? Things to look forward to? You can tell him you want more, but he needs to understand what that means. It’s not fair to say something’s missing and then make him guess.
You say your marriage is one of the things you want to change right now, but it might not be the easiest item to address on your list. Why not start with what you can control on your own? Like your work. Friends. Pick other items on your “question everything” agenda and make moves. If taking a trip by yourself or finding a hobby changes your outlook on life, it might help clarify what you want at home. If you make changes but feel exactly the same, that’s telling too — and then, yes, it would help to talk to a therapist about what this discomfort means.
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Changes outside of the home — new priorities, interests, and experiences — can make life different when you return. You’ll have new things to talk about with your husband. You’ll have broken the routine. Maybe he’ll follow your lead and join on some adventures. That could refresh the relationship. It’s worth trying.
– Meredith
READERS RESPOND
Fifty isn’t old. Your letter sounds like it was written by a 90-year-old with one foot in the grave. Maybe it’s not your relationship that you need to question — maybe it’s your job, your hobbies, your friendships. Sounds like you have a good marriage; don’t trash it because you feel unsettled. Throwing the therapy card (sorry!). SURFERROSA
I went through a period of restlessness years ago — laid off from work and searching for the next move, dealing with aging parent issues, and everything just seemed like a slog through to the next day of chores and responsibilities. I got into a couple of flirtations that ultimately convinced me that I was with the right person. I realized that my restlessness had little to do with my marriage and with other things going on in my life. I’m not pushing therapy, but a little soul-searching never hurts. DANGLEPARTICIPLE
Is this about your marriage or just about you? Negativity is hanging over you like a rain cloud and it appears your husband is about to bear the brunt of it when your storm starts to crash down. I don’t care if you don’t like the advice to get yourself some therapy; it’s what you need. Stop your moaning and groaning and work on yourself. LUPELOVE
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This and pickleball is all there is. HOGANHERO
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